for books : Stephanie Cabot at The Gernert Company
for theatre : Rachel Taylor at Casarotto
for books/stories turning into tv/films : Lucinda Prain at Casarotto
for book events : Zoe Hood is my publicist at Virago
or try this : OneLeap has offered me a way to let you contact me directly, and to help SOS Children (a great charity I’m an ambassador for) at the same time. It’s a new concept, and I’ve got no idea how it’s actually going to work for me, but feel free to give it a go by contacting me here. At the very least you’ll be supporting a fine charity.
and if none of that works for you, leave me a comment message here and I’m sure I’ll pick it up eventually!
Have just listened to your short story on BBC4
It was SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDIOUS
By: John Fields on June 7, 2011
at 3:47 pm
thank you! I really like how they made it too – beautifully read by Adjoa, the music, tone etc. very happy with it.
By: stelladuffy on June 7, 2011
at 4:33 pm
Good morning!
I’ve just been catching up with Georgia Beers’ blog and found her “Bywater Blog Tour Presents…Stella Duffy” entry.
It made interesting reading, certainly, but I was taken aback on reading your views on selective “coming out”.
I was 40 when I realised I was gay, married (unhappily) for 18 years and absolutely terrified. Over a period of a few years I came out to family and friends, with varying degrees of trauma and success.
Now, at 61, my marriage long finished and in a Civil Partnership, I am completely out. Except…well, no, not really.
Of the “older” (ha!) generation in my family only my widowed aunt survives. She’s 87, very prim and proper and over the years has recounted her experiences as a young woman during the Second World War. Some of those experiences included predatory “mannish” women who lurked on railway station platforms, waiting to pick up innocent young girls. At least, that is how my aunt tells it and whatever near-misses she experienced (I gather she was “saved” on more than one occasion) have left her with a deep mistrust of lesbians and an obvious discomfort at the very thought of us.
So…I’m not out to my aunt. I have no idea how she views my relationship with my partner. It’s not discussed and for all I know my aunt considers us to be “companions”.
What I do know is this: of her three nieces, I am the one closest to my aunt. I look after her financial affairs, am called on in emergencies, visit as often as I can. If I came out to her, there’s a very real risk she wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I’m not concerned for myself. I’ve already survived coming out to husband, parents, sons and sisters, friends and work colleagues. I’ve lost some along the way and there’s nothing that can rock my world any more than dealing with all that, yet my aunt? How would SHE cope? If she couldn’t face the knowledge that I am gay, if she couldn’t look me in the eye and be comfortable with that, she’d lose the one person she’s relied on for years. She’d be far more isolated, both in fact and emotionally than she is now (and I know of no-one else who hugs her) and all because I decided EVERYONE should know I’m a lesbian. It’s not worth the risk.
So, I’ll continue to filter my life to my aunt, telling her only of things I know will keep her comfortable. I make no apologies for doing so – for me, it feels the right thing to do. If she ever asks me outright I will be totally honest but if that day ever comes she will obviously have already guessed and be dealing with it on her terms.
For now, I stay silent on the lesbian aspects of my life, knowing that even though it took me years to realise I was born this way, I’m still just an normal person, holding down a normal job, living a normal life.
That’s all my aunt needs to know.
By: Sue Robinson on June 14, 2011
at 7:36 am
Thanks for your thoughts, as I said in my piece (which is also on this blog, here), I don’t believe we only come out for ourselves/for our own families, I believe we have a DUTY to be out to make a difference for younger LGBT and – in the case of your story even more so perhaps – for older LGBT. Yes, it’s often hard, but given the amount of incredibly brave people out in countries where their lives are at stake, I doubt whatever the repercussions of you being out to your aunt would be as bad as it is for them, who literally put their lives on the line for their own honesty.
I think it’s also time we stopped assuming all older people are ignorant or narrow-minded – both my parents would have been 90 this year, both fought in WW2, both were absolutely fine about my sexuality (and neither of them came from the kind of liberal middle-class background that might be assumed to make it easier for them). I really reject the idea that older people can’t be generous and open and understanding – GIVEN THE CHANCE. And of course, when we buy into the idea that our sexuality is shaming, when we hide it from them, we also help them believe that too.
At base, I simply don’t believe it is enough to be out for oneself. The world isn’t fixed yet. The personal IS political, and we need to be out for all those who REALLY can’t as well – perhaps even for your aunt’s best friend who has never been able to tell your aunt the truth?! (Or indeed, for your aunt – I’m sure it must have occurred to you she might actually be gay and never have been able to live the life she wanted due to her own and society’s pressures?)
I do also understand this can seem like a hard line to many people, but I never yet met a person who didn’t benefit from being honest. I wish you all the best in your continuing journey – as I’m sure that for you, as for ALL of us, coming out, being out, is a daily and constant challenge.
By: stelladuffy on June 14, 2011
at 8:42 am
Hi Stella – good to hear you on BBC Ldn. As I’m also a South Ldn Kiwi writer I thought I’d invite you along to my monthly Gypsy music night this Thursday (27) 8-11pm Upstairs At The Ritzy – featuring the divine Ana Bon-Bon. I think you will like Ana a lot. Free entry and you get to walk there and band along your much loved Coldharbour Lane.
Best
Garth
By: Garth Cartwright on October 24, 2011
at 12:31 pm
ah, how kind. I love the gigs upstairs at the Ritzy. sadly am not free this Thursday, but thank you so much for inviting me. Ana Bon-Bon already has a stunning name, so she’s at least halfway there, right?!
By: stelladuffy on October 24, 2011
at 2:09 pm
i am 3/4 way through singling out the couples – just wanted to say marvellous book – well done you for an insightful, fun and brilliant way of writing about relationships with fun and enthusiasm and love the twists and couples – thank you Uma
By: uma on December 6, 2011
at 9:33 pm
Oh, how lovely. Glad you’re enjoying it – hope you feel the same at the end!
By: stelladuffy on December 6, 2011
at 11:10 pm
Hey Stella
Long time no see since YLAF ceased to run. I was wondering if I could ask for some help/advice? Casee (my wife) has written and recorded a Christmas Song which she has released in aid of Cancer Research UK through justgiving (www.justgiving.com/Casee-Wilson) – so far raising over £280. We’ve got the local paper involved but I’d love to get it further afield. I’ve sent some emails to various places but not getting much back. Any advice on how to get this picked up by the wider media? This is providing a great source of strength and support for our friend who is being treated for lung cancer so we’d love to really raise some serious money and keep her positive and fighting.
Thanks
Gemma
By: Weevilwolf on December 7, 2011
at 8:08 pm
Sorry, but I know nothing about the music world. Good luck.
By: stelladuffy on December 7, 2011
at 11:08 pm
Just wanted to say thanks for a quite inspiring day at st deiniols. I hadn’t realised you were a fellow Buddhist. Maybe I’ll see you at some festival.
By: felicity on May 27, 2012
at 7:51 pm
hah, as I did evening gongyo, I wondered if maybe someone there had been practicing! thank you for being a great workshopee.
By: stelladuffy on May 28, 2012
at 7:13 am